Why do we still crave for love after a heartbreak?

Written by Ashish Tiwari

One of my favourite songs of all time is “Love Hurts” by Scottish rock band Nazareth. If you

have not heard it, there is no better time than right now. In this song, we can almost feel the

pain and agony of love through the vocals of the singer, Dan McCafferty, wailing about a

failed relationship. Though many of us might agree that love is something we have a natural

inclination to, it is also important to understand how it is important to us.

‘It makes me feel complete’, a friend of mine would say in glee – as if she was missing a

piece in a puzzle - when asked to describe being in a relationship.

Love can, however, also send us in a downward spiral of emotional and mental instability

which can take ages to recover from when it fails. Yet time after time, despite the affliction

that love can bring, why do we still crave love after a heartbreak?

Society being obsessed and invested in love is not a fortuitous occurrence. It is a natural

process that is embedded within our natural behaviour. Romantic love is characterized by

most psychologists as a complex emotion of affection towards an object or person. It is

recognized as a natural addiction which dates to our ancestral ages for pair bonding and

survival means (Fisher et. al., 2016). Hence, it is only natural for us to want to love and be

loved.

When American psychologist Abraham Maslow first introduced the hierarchy of needs, it

brought forth the essential aspects of our life into a clear perspective in the form of a

pyramid. Sandwiched somewhere in between the level of the pyramid lies our belongingness

and love needs which is where we can find what Maslow describes as ‘Intimate

Relationships’ (Maslow, 1943). He suggested that for one to move up the pyramid of needs,

the level at the bottom must first be fulfilled. It showed that our needs followed a systematic approach to achieving self-actualization or in other words, the state of being contented with

oneself.

Love - Not just a feeling but a necessity

From an emotional standpoint, love gives us emotional intimacy. It does not just allow us to

feel wanted by someone, but it validates other feelings essential to us as well. Love gives one

emotional intimacy which provides the feeling of security and safety in connection with each

other (Czyzowska, 2019). When two people are in a relationship, they develop a sense of

identity together which makes them feel appreciated, valued, and wanted as an individual.

Sternberg (1986) described love as a mature concept of intimacy. Like him, many social

psychologists have tried to define love using psychometric techniques where the relation

between psychological construct and observables are closely studied. Sternberg proposed in

his triangular theory of love that love comprises of 3 main components – intimacy, passion,

and commitment (Gawda, 2019). As these 3 components grow over time, people develop a

sense of interdependence when it comes to making decisions or allowing themselves to feel

validated. Love in this matter is not an addition to one’s life but morphs to become a part of it

– like an axel and a wheel.

The biological effects of love

I am going to make another song reference here. Remember when Kesha said something like

‘Love is a Drug’ in 2010? She was not lying. Love gives us a euphoric feeling. A study by

Liebowitz (1983) on the neural activity of people who were in the early stages of their

relationships showed that the euphoria caused by love expresses similar traits to that of drug

addicts. Love stimulates hormones of stress and reward including dopamine, norepinephrine,

and cortisol in areas of the brain such as the ventral tegmental area (VTA) and prefrontal

cortex (Seshadri, 2016). Early studies which utilised Magnetic Resonance Imaging (also

known as MRI) to study the brain activity of people. When shown a photograph of their

partner revealed that the VTA is stimulated when subjects are shown the photograph

(Schultz, 2000). Fisher (2016) also supports the claim that as a result of the biological effects

of love sharing similar reward pathways as drugs of abuse, the influence it has on our

behaviour has a strong parallelism in addiction response. Therefore, being in love does a lot

of ‘weird’ stuff to our brain without us even being aware of it, just like drugs do.

So, what happens after a breakup or a heartbreak?

As mentioned, on a biological basis, love causes a cascade of chemical events in our brain

which causes the release of stress hormones such as dopamine which is also widely known as

the ‘reward hormone’, hence leaving us wanting for more of what is causing the release of

such hormones. The elevated release of dopamine not only blocks the pain we experience but

also stimulates similar parts of the brain as highly abused drugs such as cocaine. If a

relationship collapses, the lovers will experience common tell-tale signs of what a drug

abuser going through a withdrawal normally would experience.

According to Fisher et. al. (2016), lovers who had just broken up undergo behavioural

changes which are atypical to their usual lifestyle such as an increased feeling of lethargy,

loss of appetite (or even binge eating) or anxiety. Hence, with this chain reaction of negative

experiences, it is understandable why one would find seeking new love as a recourse. In

Maslow’s view, we can conclude that a person undergoing a negative experience of poor self-

esteem has been relegated to the love and belonging level of the pyramid. Hence, they would

be more determined to desperately fulfil those needs. After all, esteem is scaffolded on top of

love and belongingness.

In Freudian theory, we call this sheer determination the ‘pleasure principle’ which suggests

that within us exists a ‘psychic force’ which drives us to seek immediate gratification. We

make motivated decisions which lead us to achieve a homeostatic balance (Mook, 1989). A

homeostatic balance helps us maintain a stable internal environment to be able to live or

adapt to the external environment. The motivational drive of a stimulus is henceforth

increased if it can achieve a homeostatic balance (Cabanac, 1979). In this case, love is one of

the few stimulus which help achieve that balance we seek. In its absence, our body drives us

to seek the stimuli.

Conclusion

Love is a personal experience which can seem convoluted. It is usually ineffable as it

involves a wide range of emotions that are unquantifiable. We have our own experiences with

it, yet it is a common understanding that love is a necessity which makes it so relevant.

Therefore, through understanding the natural biological and emotional responses, equips us

with the knowledge to give meaning to the experiences we face in life so we can live, laugh

and love with a conscious heart and a healthy mind.

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