Let's Talk About People Pleasing

Written and designed by Katrina, Rane, and Joy

Written on 4 June 2022

Published on 10 June 2022

People-pleasers prioritize the needs of others above their own and are often seen as helpful and agreeable (Cherry, 2021). While there is nothing wrong with wanting to help and be nice to others, people-pleasing goes beyond simply showing kindness. It reveals a deeper issue of neglect towards one’s boundaries and needs in favor of others’ approval, making them prone to being taken advantage of by the latter (Brennan, 2021). Several signs hint at a people-pleasing personality. Firstly, people-pleasers find themselves unable to say “no” to others (Cherry, 2021). They may do so out of guilt or fear of disappointing them or being seen as mean or selfish. Hence, they do things for others that they may not like or enjoy while sacrificing their personal time or needs (Cherry, 2021; Raypole, 2019). Secondly, people-pleasers apologize or take the blame for things. They make themselves responsible for the emotions of others and view themselves as the problem, even if the outcome is not within their control (Cherry, 2021; Brennan, 2021). Thirdly, the self-worth of people-pleasers depends on how others view them. People-pleasers go to extreme lengths to earn validation and struggle with low self-esteem. Being liked by others feels like a need for people-pleasers (Raypole, 2019). They may alter their personalities to conform by participating in actions or pretending to agree with others to fit in socially, earn admiration, or eliminate conflict (Cherry, 2021; Brennan, 2021). While there is no root cause for being a people-pleaser, this may manifest from a combination of multiple factors. According to Erika Myers, a therapist from Oregon, people-pleasing may occur as a trauma response to fear (Raypole, 2019). A person may pander to the needs or wants of others in fear of their own personal safety. By ensuring that they are perceived as likable or agreeable to others, a person is able to ensure that they will not get hurt. Poor self-esteem is another factor that causes people-pleasing behaviors. People who learn to associate their self-worth with their usefulness to others tend to people-please. Although people-pleasing is not inherently bad, this behavior costs the person’s integrity (Carter, 2016). Eventually, people will take advantage of people-pleasers even if done without ill intentions. This could lead to feelings of frustration and resentment toward others who do not treat the individual with good intentions. People-pleasing may also result in difficulty in cultivating healthy and stable relationships (Raypole, 2019). There are several ways to avoid falling into people-pleasing patterns. We should only show kindness when we truly mean it and not for any ulterior motives and assess our available energy and resources before deciding to help others (Raypole, 2019). Consulting therapists may help uncover traumas contributing to people-pleasing behavior (Raypole, 2019). Cherry (2021) suggests setting goals and boundaries to determine who we want to help or what should take priority. When rejecting someone’s request, say “no” without making excuses as the latter provides loopholes for people to question (Cherry, 2021). Taking the time to assess the situation and making firm decisions will help lessen opportunities for people to exploit one’s willingness to help.

References

1. Brennan, D. (2021, October 25). What Is a People Pleaser? WebMD. Retrieved May 15, 2022, from https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-people-pleaser

2. Carter, C. (2016, August 9). Why it doesn't pay to be a people-pleaser. Greater Good Magazine. Retrieved May 16, 2022, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_it_doesnt_pay_to_be_a_people_pleaser

3. Cherry, K. (2021, September 3). How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser. Verywell Mind. Retrieved May 15, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412

4. Raypole, C. (2019, December 5). How to Stop People-Pleasing (and Still Be Nice). Healthline. Retrieved May 15, 2022, from https://www.healthline.com/health/people-pleaser#signs